Reclaiming Our Story as Late-Diagnosed Autistic Women
By Michelle Labine May 11, 2025
When you’re diagnosed—or come to self-identify—as Autistic later in life, it’s not just about gaining a label. It’s about finally gaining a framework.
A way of understanding yourself that brings the scattered, confusing, often painful pieces of your life into coherence. A way to finally say: Oh. That’s what this has been.
Because it’s not just about traits. It’s about time.
A Life Without the Right Lens
So many of us grew up without seeing ourselves reflected anywhere in the word “Autism.”
It wasn’t on the radar for girls like us. The diagnostic criteria were built around boys. And even then, a narrow, medicalized version of what autism looked like—rigid, obvious, external. Not nuanced. Not emotional. Not sensitive or intuitive or deeply relational. Not us.
So, we were missed. Masked. Misunderstood.
Instead of being seen as Autistic, we were called anxious. Dramatic. Difficult. Moody. Controlling. Too much.
And so, we did what we had to do: we adapted. We learned to perform ease. We read the room, mirrored others, rehearsed our words, suppressed our needs. We became high-achieving, high-functioning, high-masking—and all the while, quietly carried the weight of Why does this feel so hard for me?
This Isn’t Just About Traits—It’s About Time
By the time many of us reach our 40s or 50s or beyond, we’ve lived entire lives without a framework for our inner experience.
So, when the diagnosis finally comes—or when we find our way to the Autistic identity on our own—it doesn’t land gently.
It lands with both relief and rupture.
Relief that things finally make sense. That there’s a name for what we’ve felt all along. That we’re not imagining it. That we’re not broken.
And rupture—because now we see how long we’ve been carrying the weight of not knowing. We see how often we blamed ourselves. How deeply we internalized the wrong story.
Without the Framework, We Internalize the Wrong Story
Without language, we label ourselves with whatever the world hands us.
We become the “too emotional” one. The “bad at small talk” one. The one who needs “too much control” or “too much space.” We convince ourselves we’re just bad at life. That we’re failing at things other people seem to manage with ease—noise, transitions, group conversations, social nuance.
But what we were really doing was surviving without a map.
And the moment we get the right framework, we stop asking What’s wrong with me?
And we start asking What do I need?
That shift is everything.
The Framework Gives Us Back Our Story
With this new lens, we get to look back at our lives and re-read our experiences with compassion.
We see that the meltdowns weren’t overreactions. The shutdowns weren’t failures. The friendships that didn’t quite work, the sensory struggles, the miscommunications—they all make sense now.
We didn’t lack social skills. We lacked understanding and support.
We weren’t emotionally unstable. We were emotionally attuned.
We weren’t too much. We were never too much.
The framework doesn’t erase the past, but it lets us relate to it differently.
It softens the shame. It creates space for grief. And it opens the door to self-trust.
A Return to Self
This framework isn’t a box. It’s a key.
It doesn’t confine you—it frees you to make sense of your life in a way that’s coherent, kind, and truthful. It lets you come home to yourself, perhaps for the very first time.
Now, we get to choose how we want to live—without constant self-correction, without explaining ourselves to ourselves, without shrinking.
We get to rewrite the story:
With context.
With compassion.
With clarity.
You are not broken.
You are not too late.
You are not imagining it.
You are Autistic.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to understand yourself now.
And that understanding? It’s not just validating.
It’s life-giving.
- What shifted when I first began to understand myself as Autistic?
- What past experiences make more sense now through this lens?
- What judgments or beliefs am I ready to release?
- What kind of self-compassion feels possible now?
